Memories Lost
by yuki-tenshee
Summary: Sanzo was kidnapped by the Gyumao's side. How will Goku and the other Sanzo-ikkou cope without their leader?
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki. Though I have never stop wishing and dreaming that I do.

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-Epilogue-

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The sun shone magnificently, in its place in the clear blue sky that stretches higher and higher toward the heavens, bathing the land with its warmth and light. White fluffy clouds floated slowly across the endless blue dome, eventually changing its shape as it did. It was indeed a beautiful day, a peaceful day…

"Shit!" 

Sanzo ducks just in time as one of his opponents threw him a fist, and then jumped backward simultaneously as another tried to kick him. Still in mid flight, Sanzo fired a double shot which hits its aims right on target. His eyes darted around his surrounding, searching for more enemies but there was none left… except maybe for one more youkai that was on a horseback, an incredulous look carved on his face as he witnessed a total annihilation of his army.

Sanzo levelled his revolver and shoots at the last remaining youkai – the leader, between the eyes. "Shi-ne!" The youkai let out an anguish cry as it disintegrate into a million pieces. Its painful scream echoed through the wood and was lost in the distance.

"Do they always have to scream so loud when they die?" Goyjo asked sarcastically, leaning against his shakujo, slightly out of breath.

 "Well I'm sure dying is very painful, kappa." Goku replied in a tone that suggests that the red hair kappa might be the biggest idiot in the world. 

"Why you…" Goyjo clenched his teeth angrily. "Don't call me kappa! Sare!"

"Then don't call me Sare, kappa!

Ignoring the two idiots, Sanzo lowered his gun and let out a soft sighed. _Finally…_

_But this is not the final is it? _ A voice in his head bit out bitterly. _There will always be a next time, more attacks to confront, more youkai to kill, and more blood to stain my hand… no, this will never ends until this damn mission ends…_

"Damn you kappa! Let me go!"

"Make me, Sare!"

Sanzo glowered forebodingly. 

By now, Goyjo had Goku's head lock in his arm and was ruffling those spiky brown head to shambles, laughing gleefully at the monkey's futile attempt to free himself and the curses that was raining upon him. 

An eerie silence settled on the forest as a single gunshot sliced through the noise of the bickering, silencing the two idiots.

"Let's go!" He ordered menacingly._ And the faster we get this over with the better… _ 

"Sanzo?" A quiet voice interrupted his thought. He turned, and found Hakkai was standing beside him. 

"What?" He snapped.

"Are you alright?"

He gave his friend a confuse look. "And why shouldn't I?

Hakkai gestured to his shoulder; there was a large rip in his robe, starting from the shoulder blade continuing to his chest, blood was seeping through the gash soaking his creamy white robe red. He swore viciously. _When did I got that_?    

"Let me close the wound." Hakkai offered smilingly. 

 "Fine. But be quick I want to get to the next town as soon as possible." 

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To be continue  
  
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Err. Did I tell you this is my first time trying to write anything? I didn't? Think not. Well after you finish reading the story please leave a review. Any criticism on my style of writing is very welcome. I think I'm a very bad writer and I'm trying to improve here. So your help are very welcome. By the way I might change user later. So don't be surprise if I do.


	2. Beautifyl Night

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all its character are not really mine to torture. 

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-Chapter 1-

Beautiful Night.

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The room was not big, but it was not too small either. It was enough to accommodate two single beds for its occupant, a shabby looking cupboard in one corner and an old table that was situated near the window complete with three chairs. It wasn't much but it would do for the night.

Sanzo sat in one of the chair a cigarette dangling at the corner of his lips as he stared into the darkness outside. He wasn't in his usual priest robe; instead he was wearing a long-sleeve black t-shirt and his normal worn-out jean. The now ripped and blood-stained robe lay carelessly on the chair beside him. It was beyond restoration, he would have to get another one tomorrow - or rather his emerald eyes friend would have to go and get another one tomorrow. It is Hakkai's responsibility to do all their shopping and he couldn't care less. 

He shifted slightly in his seat, trying to favour his wounded shoulder – or not. Immediately, pain spasm through him, like little sharp needles poking at his nerve system. He cursed fiercely, waiting for it to pass. He hates getting hurt! Everybody does…but for him, it is not just a typical disdain sentiment. He loathes it just like he loathes the rain! Getting hurt shows that you are not strong enough… still too vulnerable for your enemies to attack… still too weak to defend yourself… and the people around you… but most of all it meant that he had failed him yet again.

_Stay strong…  Genjo Sanzo…_

It was his master's last wish before the youkais' had attack the temple, stealing something that is far more important than the sutra. Something that had left him a deep scar… an unseen mark upon his heart that still hurts even after all this years… Something that he knew will never completely heal even if given time. 

_Stay strong…  Genjo Sanzo…_

The words echoed in his mind, repeating again and again, forever reminding him of his weakness and his failure to abide to his master's last will. He hissed in frustration as the growing empty ache in his heart took root. _I'm not strong… _he thought sadly. _I never was… I've failed you, oshou-sama. _

_Stay strong… Genjo Sanzo…_

There was a soft knocked and the sound of the door being opened. Silent footsteps entered the room as the door was carefully closed again. He did not need to see to know who it was, there is only one man he knew that have the decency to knock before entering. And right now the man's presence is intruding on his privacy. 

"Sanzo," Hakkai greeted him, slipping into the last remaining chair and setting down the tray he was carrying. "Care for a tea?" 

Before he could say anything, a wooden cup was settled in front of him. Hot steam escaped into the air as the tea was being poured in. He watched in silence, not refusing nor accepting the kind deed.

"How's the shoulder?" Hakkai asked, carefully pouring a cup of tea for himself and taking a little sip before settling back into his chair. There was something wrong with the priest apart from that nasty injury, he knew that. But what is haunting his very complicated friend's mind remains a mystery.

"Fine." Sanzo snapped the answer, taking a few gulp on his tea with a growing frustration. He knew Hakkai was just making sure that he is alright, but he finds the unnecessary concerns of his friend for him are very irritating. All he wants right now is to be left alone… alone in a place where he can have solitude to think and calm his confuse mind. _And obviously this place is not here…_

He stood up suddenly and reached for his gun – a Smith & Wesson - that was lying on the table, never far away from him. He tucked it neatly under his belt and pulled out his shirt so that it hung loosely over the gun, concealing it. "I'm going out."

"Sanzo," Hakkai started. "But your shoulder…"

"It's fine." He snapped back, snatching his last remaining packet of cigarette and the lighter and stuffing them carelessly into his Jean's pocket. He pauses for a moment at the door. "The sutra is under Jeep's basket. Keep it save." 

He didn't wait for an acknowledgement, closing the door shut he made his way down the stairs, ignoring the pain in his shoulder. He would find a place – a nice dark, quiet and lonely place for him to have solitude. 

"IT WAS MY DUMPLING KAPPA!" 

Sanzo cringed violently as the booming voice floated out of the restaurant and pounded on his ear. It felt as if his eardrums were about to explode. _Damn saru…_

_"_WELL I DIDN'T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT SARU!" 

_Damn idiots… _He cursed irritably as Gojyo's voice pounded on his eardrums next. _I need to get out of here…_

"BUT IT WAS ON MY PLATE!"

Slipping pass the restaurant hurriedly, he silently walk out of the hotel making sure that the two idiots didn't see him leave. 

***

The night was clear with millions dazzling stars to decorate the dull heaven.  A full moon hung magnificently in the dark sky. It's pale light illuminating the whole world with an ethereal luminosity. Far in the south, the sky glow eerily from the lights of the festival the town was celebrating, sounds of music and faint laughter's drifted with the cold wind.

Sanzo leaned against the side of the old wooden bridge, inhaling his third cigarette. The pain from his shoulder was returning quite sharply, probably had reopened the wound again. He didn't bother to check, if his guess was right, Hakkai can heal it again later. 

The priest listened silently to the sounds of the river water rushing softly toward the sea and wondered what had brought him here. He was never fond of rivers; usually he tried to avoid them. Rivers tend to bring the distant past back to him… painful reminiscences that he tried to forget. Tonight was no different, as he stared into the darkness below; his mind was taking a trip into the past. 

_It was 13 years ago when he when to his first festival. He had never like crowded places or a large amount of people for that matter. He prefers to enjoy solitude by seeping silent tea with his master. But oshou-sama had persistently insisted that they went to this festival for the lousy reason to have some – fun. He didn't know how trying to walk in a crowded place with various odours in the air can be fun… but he had eventually agreed to comply with his master's will although it was against his.  _

_He was glad he did…_

_"Koryu, are you having fun?"_

_He looked at his master who was smiling at him with composure. He smiled in return and nod. Before this night, his idea of fun was to be left alone in his room, to do whatever he wishes. But now…_

_He took another bite from his fluffy cotton candy, savouring the sweetness as it slowly melts in his mouth… it was the most wonderful night he had ever had. _

A sudden explosion brought his wandering mind back to the future. For a second he was bewildered, searching for the source of the blast. There was another explosion and the sky was lit in red.  

_Fireworks… _he sighed. _There were fireworks too that night, weren't there?_

Another blast, this time the sky was lit in green. Far in the distant, he could hear cheers as the spectators observed the fireworks show. 

He sighed and flicked the half burning cigarette away, watching as it disappears into the darkness below. Perhaps, he should head back now. Who knows how much food that stupid monkey had consumed since his time of leaving; probably had finished half of the food at the festival. Besides, his shoulder is really starting to hurt. A quick inspection told him that his earlier guess was correct, the bandages was stained with blood. He cursed… _all the more reason to go back. _

He turned to leave after the last fireworks had lit the night sky… _I had fun that night… oshou-sama…_

Suddenly, an alarm went off at the back of his mind – _youryoku_. 

He swore viciously. In an instant the Smith & Wesson gun was in his hand and aiming at the lone figure that was standing at the end of the bridge. 

"Genjo Sanzo…"

"Kougaiji…" 

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To Be Continue

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So how was it? I hope it didn't suck like the previous chapter… I hope you like it. And please by the way, I'm having a little bit trouble here… The italics sentences won't show went I upload the chapters… Can any body help me? 


	3. Catalyst

Disclaimer : Saiyuki will never be mine… Oh god!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!

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-Chapter 2-

Cataclysm

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"You summoned me your Empress?"

"Ah, Ni." Gyokomen said looking down at her favourite scientist from the throne she had been sitting on. "I was just wondering, where Kougaiji is?" 

The scientist smiled guiltily and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "My apologies, Gyokomen Koushu." He repented playfully. "I'm afraid he is on an errand for me."

"Errand?" 

"Err…yes your empress. I send him earlier today to attain the Maten Kyomen and …to capture Genjo Sanzo." He paused slightly. "But it seems as if the prince had not yet returned."

"I see…" Gyokomen said, sitting back on her throne and crossing her legs. "But don't you mean kill the priest." 

Ni gave an awkward chuckle. "No, Gyokumen Koushu. We need him alive." 

"We need him alive?" The Empress eyed him confusedly. "What do you mean by 'we need him alive'?"

Ni broke into a roguish smile and hugs his bunny doll tighter in his arm. "Well, you see your empress… something has turned up in the revival project that is quite vital to the plan… It turns out that the negative energy in this place is just too strong…"

"What's wrong with that?" 

"Well, everything, your empress… the insufficient influence of the negative energy would destroy Master Gyumou's mind before he is revived… As a result, it will kill him… As you know; a body cannot live without a mind and vice versa… Therefore we need something to neutralize the negative energy just a little bit… That is where Genjo Sanzo…"

"Why does it have to be him?" 

"Well holy people have always had high yen… so I thought that if Sanzo is the highest rank monk in the Buddhist scripture…"

"I mean, why can't it be some other priest?" Gyokomen reiterated her question, slightly annoyed.

Ni considered thoughtfully before answering. "Well… I thought that, since we are going to get the Maten Sutra from him… why don't we just take him too while we're at it… Besides…" he smirks happily.  "I just thought that it would more interesting just to use him… Don't you agree, Gyokomen Koushu?"

A sinister smile slowly grew on Gyokomen's face as the information sink in her head. "Yes… that would be very… interesting."

***

Silent…

The pale moon shone ethereally in the dark heavens. 

Silent…

Rusted leaves on bony branches rustled softly.

Silent…

Soft breeze whistled faintly in the cold air.

Silent…

Wine red hair lashes out in the dark like a whip.

Silent…

Sanzo cursed the damn wind as he trained his gun on Kougaji's forehead – the spot between the eyes… purple eyes that are now void of any emotion… an exception, maybe, for a thirst for the sight of blood spilling. 

He could see that the youkai prince had changed - somehow. Not just the new white clothes that Kougaiji wore, but something else entirely… something that felt as if this youkai prince that was standing before him was not the Kougaiji he had known…

_That is not even impossible…_ his mind bit out viciously. _Concentrate damn it!_

Kougaiji took a step forward. Immediately a silver bullet ran pass Kougaiji, narrowly missing only by a few inches.

"The next bullet won't miss." he warned, coldly. "What do you want?"

"The Maten Kyomen and you…"Kougaiji answered impassively, his cold gaze never leaving the priest. 

_Me?_ He grips the revolver tighter. "_Me_? What the damn hell do you want with me for?"

Kougaiji smirk maliciously and prepared to attack.

***

The thunderous sound of footsteps crashed through the entire inn as a fuming Goku ran up the empty staircase screaming vile curses that was almost equally contemptible to a certain corrupt monk cursing. 

He rushed toward the last door at the end of the hall and slammed it opened. 

"SANZO!!" 

Hakkai looked up innocently at Goku, stunned by the sudden rude intrusion. Then slowly his face broke into a sheepish smile.  "Yes?"

"Where's Sanzo?" Goku demand, closing the door behind him, none too gentle.  

"He went out." 

The young youkai abruptly gave another scream that made Hakkai jumped backwards. "Goku what is the matter?"

"Goyjo!" he shouted the name with a vengeance. "He stole my dinner! And it was it was such a delicious dinner as well! The best I had in a very long time! And that Kappa stole it!!! I'll never forgive him!!!! I'll have my revenge - "

Hakkai smiled understandingly at the youngest member of the Sanzo-ikkou. To Goku food is everything. The world – to Goku at least – evolves around the food. To have your food stolen is to have apart of you stolen. Hakkai laughed mentally at the thought.

"The dumpling!!!" Goku eyes had somehow crystallized and were unfocused. "Oh, it was the tastiest dumpling I had ever taste! There was such a rare taste to it that I've never felt before! I never knew a dumpling could taste so good!!!"  

" - And the noodles… there was such a tenderness that I've never felt before… it was so springy too! It was so tasty!!! And he ate half of my plate!!! - "

Hakkai didn't understand how a noodle can be tender but he just kept quiet and continues to smile amusingly.

"The pork bun..." Goku looked as if he was in tears. "It was so great! It was so soft! And the stuffing was spicy just as I like it! The cook really knows how to cook it! But I didn't have any chance to taste it since Goyjo stole all of it!"

Hakkai wondered why goku had searched for Sanzo in the first place. He seriously doubted that the monk would not waste his time listening to Goku's problem.

"ohhh!!!! It was all so delicious! And I am still hun-"

Goku's voice trailed off as a warning went of at the back of his mind. Intuitively, Hakkai ducks away from the windows, a ki ball glowing readily in his palm. Moments later his instinct was proved accurate as the spot he had been standing seconds ago was showered with jagged pieces of sharp glasses. Instantly, youkai poured out of the shattered window frame lounging forward toward him and Goku. 

Hakkai smoothly step out of the path of the incoming youkai, a ki ball gleaming readily in his hand. He smiled sweetly at his goon… In the next second the youkai was nothing more but just another mass of particles in the air. Forming another ki ball he threw it toward a bunch of youkai. "Oh dear, this…" he duck just in time to evade a punch… In the next second he had nailed the youkai right in the middle of the chess with a ki ball. The youkai screamed. "… is really getting tiresome. Don't you think so, Goku?" 

His question was answered by a variety of agonizing and terrified screams. He glanced toward where goku had been fighting; a number of bodies were already laid sprawling on the floor, moaning pathetically in pain. In the centre of the mess, was goku swinging his Nyoibu with deadly speed and accuracy. "DAMN YOU GOYJO!!!"

_My, my, someone's in a very bad mood._

***

Sanzo dived away from the kick that was meant for him. Turning around, he evaded a punch and strikes Kougaiji with a crushing blow to the gut that sends the youkai prince to plunge backwards.

But just seconds before hitting the ground, Kougaiji spun smoothly around and landed on his legs instead on his back. He glared at the priest with a malicious stare, wiping away the blood that was seeping from his broken lip. 

Sanzo cocked his revolver threateningly at Kougaiji. "You still haven't answered my question. I repeat; what the hell do you want with me for?"

Slowly, the spiteful scowl on the tan face turns into a menacing smile. 

***

Hakkai leaned against the _now_ crimson wall, breathing heavily. It had been an exhausting battle - and an interesting one too in his point of view. It had seemed that in the beginning that the other side had thrown everything they had got into the fight. But, for some strange reason the youkai had decided to retreat just as they were winning the fight. _Weird…_ Cho Hakkai was no tactician but he knew enough that no one just retreat when they were just about to win. _Something is wrong here… _

A pair of footstep rumbled up the steps urgently. A few moments later, an anxious Goyjo appeared in the middle of the broken doorway, looked around the havoc room and cursed fiercely.

A sense of dread washed over Hakkai as he watched Goyjo's behaviour. The anxious look on his friend's face was not anxiety for what state that the room was in, nor was it for the fact that they had just been attacked by a bunch of bloodthirsty youkais' but for something else entirely. 

Goku who had been sprawling on the bed, fatigued, rose to greet the half-breed. "Where ha-"

"Where's Sanzo?!" Goyjo almost shouted the question.

"He went out. What's wrong?"

"We need to find him. Quick."

***

Dust and dirt clouded the scene as something slammed into a giant boulder – hard.  

Kougaiji stood a few metres away clutching his wounded shoulder where he had been shot. A satisfied feeling crept all over him as the dust clears to reveal the priest Genjo Sanzo lay motionless still at the foot of the boulder, a small puddle of blood had already begun to form under the unconscious priest. 

He smiled, pleased.

_Stronger… stronger… _A voice in his head bit out ferociously._ Stronger…_

He did not recognize the voice… but he knew it was not his own… 

_You must become stronger… Stronger…_

It sounded so strong and so persistent… too strong and too persistent for him just to ignore the voice…__

_Stronger… stronger… become stronger… stronger… become the strongest…_

He could not distinguish it from his mind. He suddenly caught sight of the blood on his hands… deep red blood that was slowly oozing down his fingertips… the sweet tasty metallic taste of blood flood his mouth as he licked his hands clean… 

_Stronger…___

He slowly made his way toward the unconscious priest. The voice in his head never ceases to stop…

_Stronger…__ Stronger… Stronger…_

***

To be continue

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Author's Note:

Ahehehe… I am really sorry that it took me such a long time to update this chap… You see I just finished my exams… and my results are not too excellent… and another exam is coming up in one month time… So I really hope that you understand if the next chapter is not gonna be anytime soon…  

Sorry if this chap was just crap… cause when I wrote this I was on a hurry to finish it… and… Ahahaha… I just realized something… romance in this fic is inevitable… so that means romance will be coming up in later chapters… (Blushing…) Aii…

And to all the readers that read this fic. Thanks for giving me a chance. And to all those readers who reviewed me. Thank you very much for your reviews. You have no idea how happy I am to be criticized. I don't even care if you flame me, cause that will only improve my writing skill… hopefully…  

Well last of all … please don't forget to read and review me… Onegai.


	4. Repentance

Disclaimer: Saiyuki does not belong to me. It will never belong to me. Never.

Sorry this took sooooo long. But my life had been quite heretic lately… urgh… headache…

Note: this chapter took place a few weeks after the last chapter…

-Chapter 4-

Repentance

The sand dunes stretches out as far as the eye could see and even further. There was no life on the barren wasteland, except for the occasional life shrub. And even then, only the strongest that had survived through the callous climate was allowed to live a dreary live. Nature sometime are cruel, as was the fate that binds him now.

Goku breathed in, as an injured figure staggered on the torrid earth. The man's blond hair shimmered in the cruel sunbeam, his deathly pale colored skin gave the impression of being more dead than alive. Goku blinked. The image vanished… as it had every time before. It was just a mirage. He knew that. He had asked Hakkai about it when he had saw the hallucination for the first time. But still, he could not help but felt depressed over the stupid illusions.

He scowled in frustration and turned his head up to stare at the sky, he needs something - anything - to get his mind of the thought. But being this far out in the dessert, there was not even a single wisp of cloud to obscure the intense sun's ray.

_Empty… _

_So empty…_

He hate the feeling and it had first hit him when they had found Sanzo…no, not Sanzo just sign of him; they had found clues of a severe battle and lots of blood just outside of the town, near a riverbank. And even more disconcerting – a bloodstained Smith & Wesson gun…

_If I hadn't met Sanzo…___

_I wouldn't have known him… _

_And this pain to lose someone important._

He shook out of his thought as Hakkai stepped on the break.

"Well, we're finally here."

_Here?_

He looked around, surprised. The never ending dessert that he had thought was now replaced by rows and rows of buildings. Dozens of stalls were line up along the walls of the building and people littered the street trying to get through the massive crowd.

"I can't wait to have some nice beer and beautiful women with me…" Goyjo said, climbing off the jeep and headed to one of the building with the sign "Hotel", accompanied close by a tired looking Hakkai.

Goku jumped out of the jeep and rushed to them. "Hey! Wait! We're stopping?!"

"Yup…" Goyjo replied simple.

"But we can't stop! Sanzo is still missing!"

"But Goku, Hakuryu is tired and so are all of us. Its best we stay here for a day or two then we can continue our journey. Okay?" Hakkai tried to reason.

"But Sanzo…"

"Now it wouldn't do him any good if we found him but are too tired to rescue him. Right?"

For a minute Goku looked as if he was going to argue some more, but instead shouted "Fine!" angrily and stomped into the hotel furiously.

He rapped on the door softly. No answer. He knocked again. Silence.

"Goku, are you in there?"

No answer.

Slowly, he opened the door, knowing very well that Goku was in there. He was slightly surprised at how dark the room was. In fact, the only source of light was from the lamp post outside. For a minute, he thought maybe Goku was really not there, and then he spotted a small figure at the corner of the room. He switched the light on. Goku sat huddled in the corner, his face in his knees. He did not make any gesture that he was aware of another presence.

Hakkai set the food tray on the bedside table and walked up to the kid. He had never seen Goku like this before. It was obvious that the boy was worried about Sanzo. But, Goku had worried about Sanzo many times before and yet, it had never been this bad. But then again, now that he thought about it, Sanzo had been gone for almost a month now and Goku had never left Sanzo's side… The priest to the boy was like his keepsake of live - of freedom. Losing it, meant… _Poor boy,_ he thought, touching Goku's head.

"Don't touch me."

Hakkai stumbled back at the low menacing voice. Was that Goku's voice? He couldn't believe that it was Goku that had just uttered those words. "Goku?"

Goku raised his head and stared menacingly at Hakkai. "What?!"

Hakkai felt his heart beat more rapidly. This was not Goku, at least, not the normal high spirit Goku. For a moment, Hakkai got the mental image of the bloodthirsty youkai inside of Goku.

"Are you alright, Goku?" he wondered what he would do if Goku would lose control. Without Sanzo… He hoped the Goddess of Mercy was feeling merciful nowadays.

"If that's all you want to know…Then just leave me alone, please."

"Goku, it's not right to be left alone."

The boy didn't respond but just stared at the empty whitewash wall. He wondered what the kid was thinking. He gave out a soft sighed. 'Goku I know how you are feeling but-"

"Do you? Do you really?!" Goku gave him a malicious stare. He resisted the urge to retreat. _Those eyes… "_You don't understand a thing how I am feeling right now."

Suddenly the tension inside of him disappeared. And in its place was anger – anger for Goku's ignorance. "How do you think I felt when I lost Kanan" His voice was angry. 'Or when Goyjo lost his brother? How do you think we felt then?'

Goku kept his eyes on the wall as if it was hypnotizing him.

"Don't be so ignorance of our past."

"Then how can you still smile…" Goku's voice sounded pained. "and act as if nothing had ever happened?! How can you?"

Hakkai was taken aback by the statement. Now, he knew what the boy was getting at – Goku think that they are not concerned about Sanzo and that the missing company did not matter… Well, Goku was wrong. As wrong as he can get.

"You're wrong." He said softly. "We care about Sanzo just as much as you care about him! We smile and act as if everything is all right - that's … that is our way of coping with the situation."

Goku did not response but there were tears glistening in those golden eyes.

"It is how we survived in this condition." Hakkai stood up and headed for the door. "Remember Goku, you are not the only one going who is going through this."

Hakkai slumped onto the bed and unbuttoned his shirt.

_Then how can you both still smile and act as if nothing had ever happened?!_

He too wondered how he can still smile and act as if nothing had ever happened. But that was how he is. Even after _she _was gone he was still smiling – a fake smile but a smile nonetheless. __

_Was it because I didn't love you enough?_

He could still remember her black hair, could almost still smell her favourite perfume deluging his sense of smell, could almost remember the tenderness to her soft pale skin when she touched him… and he could still remember the memory clearly where he had massacred the whole clan of the one-thousand-eyed-crow, could still smell the metallic smell of blood.

He tried to block the vile memory… if he had not love her, than why had he gone on the futile attempt to save her? Then why had her death wretched his life so much that he was willing to just give it up? Why?

"Kanan..."

He wanted the question to stop bombarding his mind. But he knew it will never stop haunting him. These are the questions that he has to live for the rest of his pitiful life. It will never stop. Never.

He tried to stay awake for a little bit longer, but his eyelids felt as if they weight a ton. He knew if he fell asleep now he will be haunted by the nightmares like it always does. But it was almost impossible to resist it. Slowly, he finally surrendered his conscious to a restless sleep.

_Tip… tap… tip… tap…_

_The sounds of the rain droned in his ears as he rushed through the dim lit corridor, a dagger gleamed in his hand._

_Tip…tap…tip…tap…_

_A lightning struck, lighting the whole corridor with an eerie light for a moment, revealing the shadows of the youkais' that awaits him at the end of the passage. He gripped the dagger tighter in his hand and braced himself for the oncoming slough._

_Tip… tap… tip… tap…_

_Blood splattered as he slit the throat of the last youkai. Evil satisfaction filled him as he watched the youkai drowned in it's on own blood. They deserve it._

_They deserve it._

_Tip… tap… tip… tap…_

_He breathed in as Kanan hands touched his face. So soft. So fine. He hugged her - content. He will never let her go again. _

_He stared at her lovely face stained with tears and smudged with dirt but none could hide the beauty that she possessed. She is so beautiful. He hugged her again._

_He will never let her go again. He can't. He won't. _

_Tip… tap… tip… tap…_

_Kanan held the dagger against her neck. Tears streaming down her rosy red cheeks as she smiled at him._

_"Goodbye, Gono"_

"NOOOOO!!!!!"

He sat up on his bed, cold sweat trickling down his face and back. For a moment he wondered where he was. Wondered where Kanan's dead body had gone to. And the realization hit him… it was all just a dream – a nightmare…

He wiped the sweats off his face and let himself fell back onto the bed, trying to calm himself down. He hated it. Hate every time the memories came to haunt him in his dreams. Hate the feeling of remorse and depression that tore his heart after every dream.

Slowly he got up from his bed and walked towards the window. Outside, it was just the beginning of dawn and he could see the outline of light far in the horizon as morning approach. He watched as the world awakes; birds began to flutter on the rooftops or chase themselves among the trees that scattered the town, townspeople began to flood the streets, some with company, some alone. But all of them untroubled, well at least they don't have the feeling of remorse guilt or the heavy burden to save the world on their shoulder. He could still remember when he was used to be like that – carefree… living like an ordinary person with _her_.

The memories flood over him again, giving a new surge of hatred and jealousy toward the whole world… but with an effort he pushed the thought to the back of his mind. It was just a dream. It's over. And for the memories… they are the past and he could do nothing to change them. There is no use to qualm over it.

He turned away from the window and pulled his damp clothes off, threw it into a corner and headed for the bathroom. He needed a bath.

0;;

He had just finished putting his clothes on and was in the process of combing his hair when the screaming and the shouting had started. The first thought that jumped into his head was that there had been another youkai attacked and the safety for the other hotel occupants. Without wasting another precious second, he tossed the comb in his hand and rushed down the narrow hallway as fast as he could carefully avoiding the head of the other guests that was now sticking out curiously from their room door.

He was on the top of the stair when another scream had came, accompanied by a smashing sound and someone's evil laughter. He quickened his pace while begin to form a ki ball in his right hand. He can't let anybody get hurt. Not anymore. The restaurant door was just right in front of him. He readied himself. Taking a big step he jumped through the doors and…

… and his step faltered …

"It was definitely not!" Goyjo shouted his Shakujo out and shielding him.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! It was!! I was about to take it!!!" Goku cried hammering at Goyjo's Shakujo with his Nyoubou.

"No you were not!!!! Anyway I took it first!!!!! Finder keeper!!!!!!"

"Excuse me…" Hakkai tried to catch himself some attention, but his attempt was futile.

"I was saving it for me!!!" Goku continued to hammered, crashing some chairs and table over in the process.

"Please, excuse me…" Hakkai tried again, but for all the good it had done he might as well had said nothing.

"You're going to pay for this, KAPPA!!!"

"EXCUSE ME!!!"

There was an eerie silence as the two turned toward Hakkai and looked at him as if they had just realized of his existence. Hakkai cleared his throat. "May I know what's going on here?"

Goku and Goyjo immediately stalked over to him and broke into a train of aggressive explanation with their hands waving in the air and in a very loud voice, apparently trying to drown out each other's voice. "One at a time, please." Hakkai said uselessly eyeing both weapon wearily and carefully avoiding them as the waving of the hand passed his head.

"ONE AT A TIME PLEASE!!" There was another silence. "Goku you go first, Goyjo you wait."

"It was Goyjo's fault! We were happily eating our breakfast in here and then he finished his and started picking mine!!!! I haven't eaten in days so I was very angry!!! But…"

"I wasn't picking at your plate I took it from the serving plate!!! And serve you right! Who told you not to go and eat for days!! It was your fault that you are hungry now!!"

"Hey, I'm telling the story here!! And I was very upset okay!!! And I ordered that dumpling!!! So it was mine!"

Hakkai sighed and gave up. There is no hope for these two. He spotted the bartender behind the counter with a few waitresses looking harassed. He apologized to him and told that he'll pay all the damage later with interest. That seemed to cheered him a lot. He glanced back at the two, saw them still engaged in a heated battle and wearily walk out of the restaurant, cursing. But inside he was not as mad as he looked on the contrary he felt very, very relieved.

_Yes, there is nothing he can do to change the past… but life goes on and he can still look into the future that had not yet been determined._

To Be Continue

Author's note:

Oh-oh-oh dear… brain… mal-mal-functioning… too exam much… think… not working… Cha-chap-chapter next… be-be-be longer… hopefully… brain wo-work-working… can't think… think… can't… review ple-plea-please leave… onegai…


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